{"id":51,"date":"2009-08-03T02:27:00","date_gmt":"2009-08-03T02:27:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.sweetgirlies.net\/2009\/08\/03\/i-knew-this-would-happen\/"},"modified":"2009-08-03T02:27:00","modified_gmt":"2009-08-03T02:27:00","slug":"i-knew-this-would-happen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sweetgirlies.net\/?p=51","title":{"rendered":"I knew this would happen"},"content":{"rendered":"

So, one of the people I talk to online recently updated her signature picture. In it, one of her little ones just happens to be wearing the same top that the girls wore for their viewing\/funeral. I knew that I would see this outfit again, it came from a very popular children’s clothing store and was absolutely adorable. The kind of outfit any mom would love to put on her little girl; so bright and sunny and full of life. If they made one in adult sizes, I probably would have bought it in every color for myself. But, now this shirt takes me back to my porcelain babies lying together in silence and when I saw it, my heart dropped. I’m actually surprised I hadn’t seen it sooner. I knew that if I did see it, it would make me sad, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad.<\/p>\n

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When I bought the outfits, I didn’t buy them for the girls to wear at their own funeral, I bought them because I thought they would be perfect Easter outfits. Obviously, we didn’t make it to Easter; not even close. I’m not sure if I’ve ever talked about Easter here before, but I might as well bring it up now. It was the first family function Jake and I went to after the girls died. There was a huge elephant in the room. Nobody even mentioned the girls the entire time we were at my mom and dad’s. It was as if Jake and I were strangers intruding on a family’s dinner. They made small talk with us; the spring has been so wet, work is this and that, are you going to plant a garden, anything to keep conversation as light as possible, until finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to get out of there – FAST! We made some excuse to need to rush to Jake’s parents and hit the road.<\/div>\n
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I was so sad and hurt and mad all rolled into one. How could people just go on with their lives pretending these babies never existed? How could people not want to talk about them? How could people not see that we were sitting here, drowning in a grief pond full of quicksand? If they had just thrown us a little rope, a little sweet memory or something, we could have at least made it to the shore. As we drove down the road, my feelings of hurt turned into a much deeper anger. An anger that made me resent certain people. I felt very forced into that situation. I was told that Easter was something we needed to do because we had avoided a few other family functions and we were being selfish. If I had known then that it would be as hard as it was, I never would have gone.<\/div>\n
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In hindsight, maybe we were being selfish by avoiding; maybe I was being selfish thinking that people should have seen the pain that we were wearing. They aren’t mind-readers; there is no real ‘death etiquette’ so how were they supposed to know what we did or did not want to talk about? Gradually, I have learned that I am my only advocate. If I want an activity or a get-together to go a certain way, I have to make it happen for myself. I also know that never again will my baby girls be swept under some rug just because people feel uncomfortable. Talking about them and reminiscing about them brings me peace so I will be selfish and strive for that peace.<\/div>\n
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Back to the outfits though…I haven’t seen them since February 28th<\/span>. They weren’t returned to us so I’m suspecting they were cremated with them on? A family member took pictures of them the day of the viewing. She told me that as morbid as it may be, if I ever feel the need to see them, the pictures will be there for me. She didn’t want me to regret not having them. I haven’t asked to see them. I don’t know if I ever will, but I do know that they were so beautiful in those outfits that the picture in my mind is enough.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So, one of the people I talk to online recently updated her signature picture. In … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-51","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","latest_post"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sweetgirlies.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/51","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sweetgirlies.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sweetgirlies.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sweetgirlies.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sweetgirlies.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=51"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.sweetgirlies.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/51\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sweetgirlies.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=51"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sweetgirlies.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=51"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sweetgirlies.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=51"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}