Yesterday was a very quiet day at home and it made me sad. It should have been the girls’ first 4th of July celebration, but instead it rained all day. So, I sat on the couch most of the day, in and out of sleep, trying to distract my mind. I miss the sound made when we would pat their backs, trying to get a little burp out. I miss the sound of them babbling. I miss the sound of Carynne being upset in the bathtub because she hated baths. I miss the sound their NG tubes would make in their bellies when we would check for placement…it sounded like a tiny little fart through the stethescope. I miss the constant hum of the oxygen machines.
Yesterday, during the quiet, I had the urge to go into their room, but I didn’t. I think it would have been too hard to sit in the little rocking chair. I used to sit there, holding one of the girls after her bath, while Jake was drying off the other. I would set their clothes out on one of the cribs with Sydney’s on the left, Carynne’s on the right, so Jake would know who got to wear what. We very rarely dressed them alike, and I tried as hard as possible to make sure that from the first time an outfit was put on, it was then forever known as Carynne’s or Sydney’s, not interchangeable between the two. It was my attempt at trying to make them as individual as possible. Now, when I refer to them, it is almost always as a duo, not individually. I feel guilty for that, but it is so hard to avoid. I will try to get better at keeping their identities separate.
The house is quiet again tonight, and now I’m realizing that it is quiet most nights, so I better get used to it.
Hugs, Brook. I was thinking of you yesterday and wondered how your weekend went. I know I've told you before but even though I lost the twins in late pregnancy, I hadn't yet finished their room. But – I had put things in there that I had bought for them…and it was always a hard place to go. Not the same, I know, but I do know the pain.
Wishing I could do more to ease your hurting heart…always.
"Hope is what happens as long as we breathe…" Just keep breathing!
I do the clothes-thing too.
I can't imagine thinking back to the "old sounds of the house"…I hope some day that new sounds fill it.
Always thinking of you –
Annie