A confession and a find

I have a horrible confession to make…after the girls passed away I took every medical record, every bill, every piece of paper relating to the last month of their lives and threw it in a box. It was so disorganized and clutter that I just left everything there, trying not to directly look at it, until one day last week. It was time to do taxes and I needed all of those medical bills, so I went through everything. Some finds were good, some were bad.

Like the piece of paper that I had written on when Dr. W. called to say they did find an abnormality on Carynne’s 5th chromosome. He didn’t go over any of the information or a diagnosis on the phone, he just told me that they had found something abnormal, and I wrote everything he said down so that I could start looking into it. A few days later we got the diagnosis. That piece of paper was hard to come across.

I also came across the bill from the funeral home. If the government had any compassion, they would allow you to write that off your taxes (note: I am not bashing the government, just saying I wish it could be written off). Oh well.

Mixed in this box of depression were a few nuggets of light. I found an envelope that had inadvertently landed in the box. It was 5 1/2 months older than the rest of the contents. It was an envelope I had used to track contractions one night while I was pregnant. Finding that envelope made me smile. It wasn’t the night I went into labor, but I still remember what it was from. We had a meeting with our running club at the Aristocrat. I had been having contractions the whole night so I pulled out the first thing in my purse (an old envelope) and started tracking at the restaurant. They were about 5-7 minutes apart, but I wasn’t alarmed because I was used to them. In fact, I don’t believe I went into labor for at least another week. Of course, try convincing a jumpy husband and a bunch of beer drinkers that there’s no cause for concern…reminds me that we have such sweet friends.

Another good find in this box was a receipt from the Julian Center. The Julian Center is the local domestic abuse shelter. About a month after the girls passed away, we took all of their formula and diapers down there to donate. The receipt confirmed donation of over $500 worth of baby stuff. We had A LOT of formula and diapers. Finding that reminded me that we have to continue to try and be good people. Try and live better lives for our girls.