Dear Girlies,
I don’t have much to say, I just feel like I need to write to you to be close to you. I am reminded of you wherever I go. For the first week after you were gone, I just wanted to be home, where you once were, soaking in as many memories as I could. Daddy has tried to get me out of that cocoon and back into the real world, but it is very hard because small details of the outside world bring me more grief than the memories at home. Patrick has a conference this week in Baltimore so we are driving out with Megan a few days later to meet up with him. We are going to visit DC, Baltimore and then go up to Niagara.
Today we went to the bookstore to pick up some magazines for the trip. I looked to my right and there were all sorts of children’s books that I wanted to buy for you. I loved reading to you because you were so attentive. I’m sure that you both would have been great readers. I looked to my left and there were the magazines about fit pregnancies and raising ‘green’ children. It made me remember the days that I would sit on the couch feeling your kicks and dreaming about our future. In front of me was the self help. I ventured into that section and found a book about grieving the loss of a child. I picked it up, bought it and brought it back home. I’ve read about 2 chapters and now I want to scream.
Where is the book about losing two children? Where is the book about losing infants? Where is anybody in this entire world that knows how I am feeling? I feel like the only other person is your Daddy. I have people surrounding me with love and support all day, yet I feel very empty. I wish I knew how to fill this void. If not fill it, at least adapt to it and start living my life again.
It’s hard to get over this overwhelming feeling of missing you. I just want to hold you in my arms; I want to feed you and give you a bath and take care of you. I am a mom and that is what I am supposed to do…I am supposed to be taking care of my babies, not mourning them. I love you and I miss you so much.
Love,
Mommy
I have never commented on a blog before but I feel compelled to do so… I have followed your story through lurking on The Bump and have felt the need to express my sympathies. I am so sorry for your losses. I also think that you are right, there aren’t any books about losing an infant let alone two. I think that you should write this book – it may be healing for you and may help someone else if (god forbid) they may ever find themselves in this situation. I find your blog entries to be heartfelt and honest. I am continuously amazed by your strength. God Bless.
Thinking of you again today. I continue to send prayers to the man upstairs for peace and that this awful pain you are feeling lessens.
(((HUGS)))
I am a blog lurker, but I have been so touched by your blog and your beautiful girls. Even though they may have only been on this earth with you for just a short time, the memories they have left with you and the strength you have gained from them will be with you forever. Sometimes I wonder why good people have to endure so much pain. It just seems so unfair. I have cried so many tears looking at your pictures on here and reading your words right from the heart, I wish I could help ease your pain. You are a strong person, and a wonderful mother.
((hugs))
I just saw your blog and thought I should write.
Deepest condolences for your loss.
I lost my darling infant son in January. People tell me that time heals – well so far it hasn’t. It still hurts just as much as it did in January. My doctor recommended the following book: Help, Comfort, And Hope After Losing Your Baby In Pregnancy Or The First Year by Hannah Lothrop. I am in the middle of reading this book now. It is very good. It gives many tips on how to ease the pain a little and on what I may be feeling. I do understand a bit how you are feeling(though your pain is double what I’m feeling). I would give anything just to bath my son once again, read to him, tuck him into bed, rock him or kiss his forehead. I know in my heart that I will always be his mommy, but my arms are so empty… You will remain in my thoughts and prayers.
I saw a link to your blog on another blog. I just want you to know I’m praying for you and your family. I can’t pretend to know what you are experiencing but I am thinking about you and will keep praying for you. Your girls are so beautiful and cute in their tutus. Though I don’t know you personally, I have cried over your loss. I hope you continue to find strength as you grieve and will continue to find joy in your memories. I have always thought one of God’s greatest gifts to us is to give us the ability to smile, even if only for a moment, in our darkest times.
Every day, I think of you and your family and I cry for you. I am so, so very sorry for your loss. My words are weak but my sorrow for you is not. I pray for you and your husband and your precious angels everyday.
May God have mercy and ease your pain more and more every day.
I have been following your blog and reading posts on The Bump. My prayers are with you and your husband during this time and in the future.
Please know that it does get easier to make it through the day. I lost my son, Hunter in February 2001. I still think of him every day and I think of what he would be doing now, I know he is watching over his little brother and I from heaven. To be honest the first months were really hard and each February is still a time of sadness for me. I do know that he is not sick anymore and that he is with God. If you ever need to talk, you can page me (ugabrat) on the 6-12 boards. ((Hugs))
My heart and thoughts are with you today as they always are.
Hugs and prayers to you today. Heather.D
My words never come out as eloquently or as meaningfully as I want them to…but I spend a lot of time thinking about you and your girls. Your posts and letters to them capture the essence of motherhood–that sensation that you love deeper than you ever thought was possible, that you long to nurture. It’s so obvious to me that you are a wonderful mother and that your girls are blessed to always know that their mother loves them unconditionally. I agree with the previous commmenter, maybe you should write that book as you continue through this grief process. You are in my thoughts and prayers…hugs.
Melissa (shady06 from the bump)
I stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago and have been checking in daily ever since.
I have no idea what you are going through but I pray that you & your husband are ok. Heartbreaking.
God bless you.
~Colleen
Pennsylvania
My heart breaks for you – I can’t even imagine the pain you must be in. There are no words. I am so very sorry.
I can’t stop thinking about you and what you have had to endure. I am praying that you and your husband find comfort in knowing that your angels are watching over you. Please know that you are in my prayers and that your story breaks my heart.
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Brook,
I can’t stop thinking about you and mourning the loss of your two little girlies. I think of you at least once a day and wonder how you are. I’m here for you. I keep sending the cards to you, I hope you get them.
*hugs*
Jenn (kalki)
I’m so sorry for your losses. Carynne and Sydney were absolutely beautiful, precious little girls. It is so unfair that this has happened. I’m sure they felt very loved by their mommy and daddy and all who knew them. I know there is nothing I, a total stranger on the net, can say to help your grief, but I truly wish you healing, that the sweet memories you have of your girlies stay fresh and pure in your mind, and that you are able to feel happiness again. ((( Hugs )))
Just wanted to let you know I’ve been reading since I first commented (I lost my son to SMA in 2002). I was so sad to read of the loss of your girls. I know how sad and lonely it can be – even if you are in a room full of people, it’s so so lonely. And you are right, there are so few who know what you are going through – even me, though I have lost 1 child to SMA, I have not lost 2. I can not fully understand all you are going through because you are missing two little girls now.
If you ever feel like chatting, please email me. I’m happy to share my number with you. Grief takes a lot of time, and much of it will be with you forever. But you can make it through this, a minute at a time.
I wish you peace and comforting thoughts and memories, and a lot of hope for the future.
~Laurie
http://www.marshallsmiles.com
Once again, I do not have many words but to say that I am still thinking of you. And I can not believe that someone would be so nasty to be a fraud on your blog.You have more than enough to deal with. I hope your break brings you some quiet and consolation. Love and light to you.
(((hugs)))
There is another Mom blogger you might find some comfort reading…she too lost a child about a year ago and has started an amazing ministry
Bring the Rain at http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
I have twin girls myself, we call them “the girlies” as well and my heart aches for you in reading your beautiful letters to your girlies. I can’t begin to fathom your pain and grief. Please know you are in my prayers.