Dear Carynne,
I’ve tried to write this post to you a few times today, and each time I’ve had to stop. I’m so scared of this anniversary. I don’t know what to expect; I don’t know how I will feel. Today my head just kept playing our last moments over and over and I wish instead that I would replay good moments. Happy moments.
This last year has been horrible without you. Everyday I miss you more and more. Some days it physically hurts that you aren’t in my arms. Some days I want to scream in anger that you aren’t with us anymore. Some days I just cry until I am out of tears.
I wish I could better understand why this happened to you and your sister; why this happened to our family. I wish I knew that you were ok. I wish you knew how much I love you. I wish you were here so that I could tell you that in person. It’s not fair that I can’t tell you. It’s not fair that I have to write you a letter to tell you instead of showing you. It’s just not fair that you’re not here. You belong here, with me and daddy and Sydney.
There are nights that I sit crying, begging you to come back to me. Why can’t you be with us? Why can’t we hear your beautiful laugh? Why can’t we see your sweet smile? Why do we have to resort to pictures and videos to be with you? I wish I had more answers.
Today, on this year anniversary of your death, I will try to remember good memories. I won’t focus on my sadness. I will love you with everything that I have.
Love,
Mommy
Been thinking of you, Jake, Carynne and Sydney. You are surrounded by love always, especially today and tomorrow. Your sweet girlies will never be forgotten.
Thinking of you today. Sending lots of love and hugs; I would do anything to bring Carynne and Sydney back to you. I'm so sorry.
Just ((hugs))
I love you and am thinking of you all. (((HUGS))), Momma.
I am sending you a big virtual hug–I hope you can find some comfort in the memories you created with your girls during this time. They love you more than anything and are saving you a seat in heaven!
shady
Always in our hearts! (HUGS)
((HUGS)) Thinking of you!
I just wanted to reach out as an SMA mom. If you ever want to be in touch with other moms who have been impacted by SMA or lost their babies to SMA, just wanted you to know there are a lot of us and we are here for you. All my best, Victoria — mom to Gwendolyn