I am a grumpy old lady. I was reminded again today of how much I don’t like change. I think I just get too comfortable with routine and when that routine is changed up, it sends me spiraling downward. I started a new job today. It’s not the same. It isn’t the same beautiful drive downtown at my own pace, it’s a drive in heavy traffic and construction. It isn’t the same lunch, it’s a ‘get in your car and drive to a drive-thru instead of walking along the brick sidewalks of downtown’ lunch. It isn’t the same people, it’s people that don’t know me or my story.
I think one reason why I hadn’t posted in so long is because I got into a routine of being at home and being comfortable, surrounded by happy pictures and happy memories of my girlies. And today, during that awful drive, a lot of negative feelings came back.
In the first two hours of my new job I was asked if I had any kids. Before I got to work I told myself that I wouldn’t bring up anything about the girls for a while because I wanted my co-workers to get to know me first. When I was asked, I just kind of shrugged on the outside. On the inside, I was having a full-blown panic attack. How disrespectful of me to not answer that…to the person asking, but most importantly, to my girls. I just froze and didn’t know what to say. My face got hot, my palms got sweaty and all the air escaped my lungs. I just wish I knew what to say to people. I feel like when I answer that question, all I do is bring people down…but if they had only known my girls and what amazing, sweet babies they were, it wouldn’t be so sad.
So, I guess the question is, what’s the best way to answer such a difficult question???
Oh Brook — HUGS! How difficult! No advice … I have no idea what I would say. I had a co-worker once who lost her son early on. She had complications during pregnancy and delivered him when she was just 6 mo pregnant. She kept a picture of him on her desk at work. Some people were offended, but she was proud. When people asked her about her children she would always says he had 3 (she went on to have 2 healthy pregnancies following that). 2 babies here with her and one who was an angel.
Not sure you are ready to even go there, but I think whatever you decide is totally OK. You are not a grumpy old lady — you are still a grieving MoM. And that is totally acceptable.
(((HUGS))) Sara (beefsbrde)
People are always asking if our girls are our only children and I always respond "My husband and I lost our son last year." They usually say sorry and look embarrassed for asking but if they get really apologetic, I just say "Don't apologize, I love talking about my boy."
I really think it's up to how much you feel like you want to go into, which changes moment to moment. Your girls will understand that some days you just don't have the power or energy to go into it.
its a hard situation.. I tried to lie and simply say "I have a son" and not mention my daughter, but instantly wanted to jump back in and include her.. so depending on my mood, I say "I have a son, and my daughter passed at almost 9 months" and sometimes a simple sorry passes and others "need" more info..sometimes I go into and others I just say "she was sick, and I honestly don't feel like going into it at this time, I am sorry.." and that's always been enough.. but like you, I have found comfort in my home, where its people I know and only these people..
anyhow, whatever feels right at that moment is the right thing.. and I agree..not grumpy..grieving..big difference..
I can't imagine having to decide how to answer a question like that…my heart breaks for you.
A friend of mine who lost her son always answered that her son is an angel, and found a way after the years to say it with a smile (as if to feel his warmth immediately) and usually people wouldn't be as uncomfortable, but it will probably always be hard.
It makes complete sense what you describe.
I just wanted to send you a hug and some love.
Ditto Mary/ Anakin! Take a picture of those girlies with you, and tell people, "I have two daughters who passed away a short time ago." and when they say they are so sorry to hear it, you hold your chin up high and say, "me, too but don't be afriad to ask about them, I love talking about them, I love to share them."
love you so big, Brook.
I don't know that there is a best way, except for whatever way speaks to your heart. If you aren't ready to discuss it with someone, you don't need to share – that doesn't diminish your status as a MoM or your love for your girls. And if you want to talk about them you should. There may be people who are embarassed or uncomfortable, but that's fine – they'll learn about your girls and see them as we do – beautiful angels. Big hugs to you.
Hello,
I just wanted to tell you that I`ve been following your journey for a while now but have never posted. Your darling little girls were so lovely and I am so terribly sorry they aren`t here on earth with you any longer :(. It just isn`t fair!
I wish you all the best with this new job. I hope that in time you`ll be able to do what one of the other commenters said and display a photo of your little girls to shine their light on all the people who stop by your desk :).
All the best and I`ll definitely keep following your story.
Oh, Brook, that must have been so incredibly hard to experience. I have no advice to give you, but I wanted to let you know that you're a strong woman, mother and friend. Many, many ((hugs)) are headed your way.
Not exactly sure what I would say but maybe "I have twin girls in heaven". If they push and you don't feel like going into details just say that you don't want to go into details. Most people will shut up. ((hugs))
I have followed your blog for quite some time and I relate to your story in so many ways and in other ways I have no idea how you feel. I had a set of twins in September 06', Avery and Bryant. Even though they went to be with the Lord I still consider myself to have 4 children. I had twins again in March 08' with minor health problems but otherwise perfect. It depends on my mood how I answer people and it depends on there knowledge of life. If they have that look of cluelessness I just answer 2 and when they have the look of true care I answer 4. I always feel a kick in my stomach when I say two but they know I will always consider them my first born. I hope this helps and I will continue to pray for you and your family.