**This post has to do with a visit to a doctor’s office so guys might not want to read (not that I have guy readers, except for you, Chad)**
Today I had my yearly exam at Dr. B’s office. It very much took me by surprise. Being back in that office, in those rooms, with all of those familiar faces ended up being very difficult on me. Before, when I was there, I was filled with so much hope, so much pride, so much love for my sweet girlies who were growing inside of me. But today it was so different. I just felt so lost and empty and alone.
I sat in a quiet room, alone, waiting on the doctor and through the thin walls I could hear the sound of a heartbeat on an NST machine. It made me so scared. Scared that I might never get to carry an extra heartbeat again. Scared that if I do, I will be so filled with worry I won’t be able to enjoy it. Scared that my previous experiences will somehow take away from new ones. By the time the doctor came in, I was in a full-blown panic. She barely had a chance to say hello before I was a sobbing mess. I just felt so overwhelmed.
I got through the rest of the appointment and then met up with Dr. B. for a quick chat. She wanted to talk about future ‘what ifs’ but I told her that right now, my life is completely on hold. I have absolutely nothing going for me and until I get my shit straightened out, there are no what ifs.
Okay, so I know this is a really serious post, but my job is to make you smile, so I have to say that I really like the part at the beginning when you make Chad sound really weird and creepy!! Bwa-ha-ha-ha. That's right Sweet Girlies, your uncle Chad fits right in with the ladies!!
Thinking about you Brook! Hang in there. This is such a hard time. Look me up in you're ever in Cincy again.
🙂
Aubrey in Cincinnati
First off, I HATE CROTCH DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS! LOL
I too had a similar experience. Makily was two weeks old and still in the NICU. I went for a two week check up (I left the hospital 12 hours after having her since she was sick, they make me have a two week follow up because of that). We did not know Makily's diagnosis until after she was born. So walking into the OB'S office well I was a mess. All I could think of was how hopeful, happy and elated I was while I was pregnant and how scared, sad and heart broken we were now. The two totally contrasting emotions were hard not to recognize and I ended up breaking down as soon as I got into a room. I never went back to that office again. I couldnt do it.
Take your time figuring out what you want to do in the future. It took us almost four years to decide what to do. Once we made a decision, I knew it was the right one as I had peace about it immediately.