Warning: This might be a graphic post.
Guilt is hard. I think it is probably one of the hardest things I’ve been dealing with the last few months. All moms go through some feelings of guilt. I felt so guilty when I had to go back to work and the girls were just two months old. I felt like I was abandoning them. I felt a lot of guilt when they wouldn’t eat the hundreds of ounces of breast milk I had pumped and frozen for them. They were picky and only liked it fresh. I felt guilty when the nurses took care of them because I felt like it was my job and I just couldn’t do it on my own. Mostly though, I’ve felt a lot of guilt about leaving them.
I constantly think about the morning Carynne died. After Jake and I had said our goodbyes, I laid her back down on that cold, hard gurney in the ER and stood up. We kept trying to walk out of the room and we kept turning around to look at her one more time. They were going to get her cleaned up and take her down to the morgue. From there, the funeral home was going to pick her up and take her down to their downtown morgue. I can’t even begin to describe in words the guilt that we felt. It was like we were abandoning her there, in a cold, strange place that we knew nothing about. How were they going to treat her? What were they going to do with her? These were questions we should have been asking daycare centers, but instead we had to ask a funeral home.
When Sydney died, she died in my arms, at home. I held her for about an hour before the funeral home came to pick her up. It was dark and freezing outside. It was the middle of February. Two men came into the house and saw that she was an infant and requested that I walk her outside myself. We wrapped her in a soft green blanket that Jake’s mom had given to us at our baby shower. I carried her outside as Jake held the doors open for me. I crunched my feet across the frozen grass to the back of some Chevrolet SUV. They already had another body in the back. I was disgusted! Completely disgusted that they made my baby ride in the back of some SUV with a stranger! We kissed her forehead one last time and laid her on the black plastic gurney. We buckled her in and asked the two men to please make sure she was put beside her sister so they could keep each other company. And off she went, downtown, to join her sister.
And all of a sudden, Jake and I were alone, standing in the driveway. Cold. Childless.
I know I can’t feel guilty about this stuff. I had no control over any of it. It’s just natural for a parent to have that need to be with their child. I can type all of this out, but it is a lot easier for my fingers to type than for my head and my heart to believe.
I think guilt after losing your child is a million times worse than anything.. I have a 9 year old son and if I hurt his feelings and later feel guilty I can tell him or if I feel like I don't give him enough attention..I can apologize and make it right.. his sister though, it kills me that I can't.. I felt guilt that I didn't hold her enough, that I did let others help me when she became ill..she was MY daughter and MY responsibility. I worried so much about her medicine and schedules..did I enjoy her enough? It is so easy to get lost in these thoughts and to let grief consume you.. its not right for parents to be without their children..thanks for such an honest post..thoughts and prayers to you and your family!
Brook-
As I read this I have tears streaming down my face. I don't understand your guilt on a personal level, because I haven't burried a child let alone two, but I understand the guilt we all feel as parents.
My heart breaks when I read that you feel guilty…but I understand it. I am SO sorry you are having these feelings. I wish I had a magic potion to make it all better again- but losing a child or children is just wrong on so many levels…it's so unfair.
My heart, prayers, and thoughts are with you.
(((HUGS)))
Brook,
I'm bawling. I can't help it. I never know what to say to you. Ever. I'm speechless. I just want to give you a great big hug and say I am SO SO sorry. No human should ever deal with this type of pain. My heart and prayers are with you dear.
I agree – I think guilt is one of the hardest things about grief. There is no getting away from it until one day, you find it is easier to deal with. I know that 5 years has helped soften the guilt I feel about Devin and Elizabeth, and choices that I made or didn't make…or things that I KNOW were out of my control, but like you said – as a mother without her daughters it is part of the feelings we have to go through. You know in your head that you can't feel guilty, but it takes time. I know I keep saying that – I sound like a broken record – but I know how hard it is to wait for the time to pass. But hopefully hearing that some day will come…will help.
I'm thinking of you, Brook. And crying for your sweet Carynne and Sydney.
This post completely took my breath away…Oh Brook. I'm crying and praying for you.
Oh Brook 🙁 I can't offer anything but hugs and the deepest sympathies. I'm so very sorry for all you've been through. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and the Little Ladies. You're doing the best you can, you DID the best you could. We're mothers- we feel guilty about everything, what you're feeling is natural, and I love you for talking about it.
Faery
I love you Brook. Your guilt is natural, but please know that I believe (as well as the world believes) you did everything the best you could. I miss your girls and still think of them daily. I think of you constantly….especially when I have to make hard decisions in my own life…I always think about you.
As mom's we put everything on our shoulders. I have guilt about Makily's genetic disorder as I am a carrier for it….I had no idea though…I still feel guilt about it. I want someone to blame….so I blame myself.
You did everything you could for those girls, you were the mother they were meant to have. I imagine you also want someone to blame, someone to be angry at…..we are our own worst enemies and for some reason we turn the anger to ourselves and that turns to guilt.