They were less than an hour old in both of these pictures and they’re both wide awake. When we had visitors at the hospital, everybody continually commented on how bright-eyed and curious they were.
When they were born, my mom switch was automatically turned on. During the time leading up to their birth I was so worried that I wouldn’t know what to do with two babies. We had gone to the classes, I had read the books and done research online, and still, I felt like I had no clue how to do anything that involved taking care of other human beings. Thankfully, though, it came fairly naturally. From the moment Jake and I were given the Mommy and Daddy title, we went into ‘parent mode’. We fed, burped, changed, rocked and soothed like old pros. I was a mom.
When they died, it was hard to know what to do with that title. I am a parent if you look at ‘parent’ as a noun, but what I want to be is a verb ‘parent’. I want to raise my girlies and take care of them and teach them. I want to hold their hands as they’re learning to walk. I want to teach them their numbers and letters and colors. I want to see their expressions as they learn to eat new foods. I want to plan their 1st Birthday party for them and see them make a mess of their cakes. But I don’t get that luxury because now I’m just a noun.
As this day approached, Jake and I went back and forth as far as what we wanted to do today. Should we invite over all of our friends and family and have cake and ice cream? Should we throw a huge party with streamers and balloons? In the end, we decided that today we will just lay low. We didn’t want to make any plans that we might not feel up to in the long run. We are going to visit their trees later today and then maybe take a walk along the Monon. Jess made us enchiladas for dinner so we wouldn’t have to worry about our appetites. We’re just letting this day come quietly in and go quietly out.
So how do we hang onto our grief and try and be verb parents at the same time? We try and help others. We’re going to go to Costco in a little bit to grab a few cans of formula and some boxes of diapers. Then, we’re going to take them down to the Julian Center, which is the battered women’s shelter here in Indianapolis. They are always in need of donated items.
If you’d like, you can help by finding a similar operation in your town and donating in honor of Sydney and Carynne. I know most of my readers are moms and I know you probably have some old baby stuff sitting around the house, so why not look at this as a late-summer cleaning opportunity? You don’t have to do it today, or even tomorrow, but go out and be verb parents to your entire community.
Brook – you are such an inspiration…to your girls, so other mother's, to so many. I've been thinking of you all week and especially today, knowing how hard it feels to be a "noun mom when you want to be a verb mom." I've been there…and I'm thinking of you.
But most of all, I'm remembering your sweet Carynne and Sydney, wishing them a happy, happy first birthday, and hoping that today will be peaceful for you.
Hugs, my friend!
"Hope is what happens as long as we breathe." Just take a deep breath…hope will always come…
Beautiful post, Brook! Happy birthday to your sweet girls! And I LOVE your donation idea. . . I'm off to look for a good cause in C-bus.
Thinking of you.
Sara (beefsbride)
Brook, you never cease to amaze me. The pride I feel being your friend is simply overwhelming. You are an inspiration to the world…and to me. I love you guys so much and obviously am thinking of you lots today, and everyday.
Carynne and Sydney, Happy Birthday precious angels. There aren't enough words to tell you how much I love you both!!
i love that! and the julian center in indy is an amazing organization that has really helped sooo many people. i am sooo sad that you are having this day alone…i will pray for you guys. and no matter what, you will never be just a noun {mom}…once a mother, always a mother and you, my friend, rock!
Happy Birthday Sydney and Carynne!
Your whole family is in my thoughts today.
-Kirsten (kirstenmcc)
Happy Birthday Sydney and Carynne!
I'm always amazed at your strength, Brook. I thought of the four of you upon waking this morning. What a wonderful idea. I have a ton of baby things and I know of a shelter nearby. I will make a donation in honor of your girls.
((hugs)) to you!
Heather
Happy Birthday to your sweet girlies:) They are somewhere right now, looking at you and your strength and generosity, and feeling proud to be your little girls!
Brook-
I've been an avid follower of your blog since late January. I am filled with awe and amazement to see how the two of you have come together and dealt with something so heartbreaking. I pray for you constantly and that one day you will find the peace you need and so deserve.
Your babies are beautiful. Somewhere out there they are so proud of their amazing parents. Happy birthday little girlies.
-Danielle
God bless you both. Praying for you today and every day.
Happy Birthday Sweet Girlies. Today, my babies turned 5 months old. I told them that I am honored that for today, they get to share a birthday with such special little girls. I know you are watching over all us and I hope you know how proud you should be of your parents. The strength and courage they possess is like nothing I have seen before.
Thinking of you guys. Your ability to do such good with your pain is really inspirational. I'm so in awe!
Aubrey in Cincinnati:)