So, one of the people I talk to online recently updated her signature picture. In it, one of her little ones just happens to be wearing the same top that the girls wore for their viewing/funeral. I knew that I would see this outfit again, it came from a very popular children’s clothing store and was absolutely adorable. The kind of outfit any mom would love to put on her little girl; so bright and sunny and full of life. If they made one in adult sizes, I probably would have bought it in every color for myself. But, now this shirt takes me back to my porcelain babies lying together in silence and when I saw it, my heart dropped. I’m actually surprised I hadn’t seen it sooner. I knew that if I did see it, it would make me sad, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad.
I knew this would happen
When I bought the outfits, I didn’t buy them for the girls to wear at their own funeral, I bought them because I thought they would be perfect Easter outfits. Obviously, we didn’t make it to Easter; not even close. I’m not sure if I’ve ever talked about Easter here before, but I might as well bring it up now. It was the first family function Jake and I went to after the girls died. There was a huge elephant in the room. Nobody even mentioned the girls the entire time we were at my mom and dad’s. It was as if Jake and I were strangers intruding on a family’s dinner. They made small talk with us; the spring has been so wet, work is this and that, are you going to plant a garden, anything to keep conversation as light as possible, until finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to get out of there – FAST! We made some excuse to need to rush to Jake’s parents and hit the road.
I was so sad and hurt and mad all rolled into one. How could people just go on with their lives pretending these babies never existed? How could people not want to talk about them? How could people not see that we were sitting here, drowning in a grief pond full of quicksand? If they had just thrown us a little rope, a little sweet memory or something, we could have at least made it to the shore. As we drove down the road, my feelings of hurt turned into a much deeper anger. An anger that made me resent certain people. I felt very forced into that situation. I was told that Easter was something we needed to do because we had avoided a few other family functions and we were being selfish. If I had known then that it would be as hard as it was, I never would have gone.
In hindsight, maybe we were being selfish by avoiding; maybe I was being selfish thinking that people should have seen the pain that we were wearing. They aren’t mind-readers; there is no real ‘death etiquette’ so how were they supposed to know what we did or did not want to talk about? Gradually, I have learned that I am my only advocate. If I want an activity or a get-together to go a certain way, I have to make it happen for myself. I also know that never again will my baby girls be swept under some rug just because people feel uncomfortable. Talking about them and reminiscing about them brings me peace so I will be selfish and strive for that peace.
Back to the outfits though…I haven’t seen them since February 28th. They weren’t returned to us so I’m suspecting they were cremated with them on? A family member took pictures of them the day of the viewing. She told me that as morbid as it may be, if I ever feel the need to see them, the pictures will be there for me. She didn’t want me to regret not having them. I haven’t asked to see them. I don’t know if I ever will, but I do know that they were so beautiful in those outfits that the picture in my mind is enough.
I have had two miscarriages and my son was preemie and nearly still born. I cant have any more kids because of this and my aging. I have been in the room when small babies were either born still or born and passed soon after.
APS caused my issues but I was heartbroken with the losses and have been grieving for a very long time. If you need to talk contact me at thompson@sptent.com Many hugs and prayers for you all
Brook – so many hard moments in this grieving process. From that first Easter gathering, to seeing a picture of the outfits the girls wore. It's always hard because you just never know what is going to hit you, I know.
Thank you for being so open and raw with what you are feeling. I remember some of those same statements being made to us (being selfish, etc.) and also being at those same family gatherings where no one would mention our babies and it was so painful. Over time, it's gotten easier for everyone to incorporate them into our family lives, but really only after Dave and I became the advocates you talk about being here. Once I talked about them more, or gave gifts related to them to include on the Christmas tree or whatever, only then did the whole family open up more about them.
Sorry – rambling as usual, I know. Wishing you peace of heart today and always. See you soon!
I think it is wonderful to remember the girls as you like, running, dancing, and singing in their beautiful Easter outfits. What a great picture to hold in your mind and celebrate each Easter!
thinking of you….I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be experiencing these emotions…my prayers and thoughts are with you always
I'm sure the girls looked absolutly stunning in those outfits.
I also thank you for being so raw and open with your emotions on this blog. It helps me to understand what others go through, and things that i can do to help them get through their own struggles and grief. (((HUGS))) I pray for you every night.
Gail (goldie_locks_5)
I have never commented before but I have been following your blog for quite some time now. I can't imagine what you have been through and I am so sorry for your losses. I just wanted you to know that I think of you and your girlies daily.
((HUGS))
I just wanted you to know that I'm still reading and thinking about you and your girls.
I cried reading your post. It was so beautiful and so true. I'm sorry you have felt in the past that you couldn't talk about your girls- We haven't forgotten them and will talk about them anytime you want. I'm sure they were beautiful in that outfit.
(Skatcat from the Multiples Board)
I also cried reading this. In fact, the first time I read it I tried to comment and couldn't. Your girls are always beautiful–in the outfits, in your pictures, in your mind, in heaven, and in the minds of others. I think of your little ones daily and respect you so much for the mom that you are. You are so open with your experience. By being so candid, you are helping others who are also grieving and you are helping people like me learn to not take anything for granted. Your girls (and you) are helping me be a better mom.
I know some of your days are tough and moments like this are difficult. Just know that so many people look at you with so much respect and that so many people love your girls.
Hugs!
Melissa (shady06 from multiple mamas)
I've been reading through your blog recently and though I haven't commented until now, I do think of you each and everyday. I never had the honor of meeting your sweet girls and I'm so sorry about that. I'm happy to have the opportunity to see pictures of them here. Beautiful! It sounds as though they have touched so many lives. Although, I never met them, I feel they have touched my life as well. As previous posters have mentioned, reading your experiences has really had a huge impact on how I live my life and the kind of mother I am. It's also given me some insight in how to help others who are greiving. I'm so sorry about that Easter day for you. I hate that no one felt that they could mention the girls. I think that reading that has helped me to understand better what to do in a situation similar. I'm sure that hearing this is probably not much of a comfort, but I really just felt so compelled to let you know how much I do think of you and your girls and how they are making a difference in my life.
Kristin