I just want to start out by saying thank you to all of the readers out there who still come back and check out our girlies. I’m sorry for dropping off my post last night so I wanted to explain myself. A lot of times when I write, it is from work so if I add pictures, I am limited to only pictures I’ve uploaded to my Snapfish account. Last night, I wrote from home, where I had every single picture we’d ever taken at my fingertips. As I was going through them to find a picture of Great Grandma Muriel with ‘her babies’, I came across the last picture we took of the two of them together; alive. The picture was taken the night before Carynne died and she was in the same outfit she was wearing when she was rushed to the hospital early the next morning. When she died, Jake tried giving her mouth-to-mouth and in the process, her entire stomach emptied onto herself, him and the blanket she was sleeping on. When I got to the hospital, she was naked and they handed me her clothes in a plastic bag. I took the bag home and because our entire lives turned upside down, it sat in the family room for about four days before I realized it was there.
Explaining Myself
Last night, when I saw that picture, it took me back to that day when I discovered the bag, opened it and all I could smell was Carynne and her last moments. I threw the bag away about 2 seconds after I had opened it. The sensible side of me thinks it would have been silly and disgusting to keep a bag full of puke-covered clothes, the irrational side of me wishes I hadn’t thrown it away because it had her on it. I don’t regret throwing it away, but I do regret the thoughtlessness with which I did.
There are still clothes in their hamper that I haven’t gotten around to washing. I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t know what all is in the hamper; there might be something VERY stinky in there, but I won’t even look in there. Hell, I can barely walk into their room, let alone go through their stuff.
As far as the picture goes, for now it will stay in the computer. I have refrained from posting pictures of them on the blog where they looked sick. I have tried to keep the pictures as upbeat as possible. But, maybe I’m not being honest with myself or with you. However raw they might be, maybe I need to show the world what it was really like for us during those last few weeks; how painful it was to see our sweet girlies laying there, hooked up to oxygen tanks and O2 monitors and apnea machines. But, then again, that’s not what I want to remember most about them. I want the world to know about this hateful disease, but I don’t want the disease to define my babies.
I am so sad for you. I got goosebumps reading this post. Its heartbreaking to read about all of the things you have had to cope with since losing your girls.
We will always see your baby girls as beautiful, precious angels regardless of how many machines they are hooked up to or how sick they may appear so post whatever helps you through your sadness. This horrible disease will never define who your girls are. This blog is already proof of that. God bless you!
I say post what you need to post. We are all sad to walk this journey with you, however far removed we are, but know that because of your blog, your family is being lifted up in prayer every day. If it brings even the tiniest measure of comfort to your heart to share something, do it. We'll keep reading and praying.
The girlies were gorgeous, wonderful babies & anyone who fails to see that, even if you do happen to post a picture of them hooked up to their oxygen & monitors does not deserve to read about how inspiring they truly are.
My thoughts & prayers go out to you & your family daily.
You need to post what you feel when you feel it. I completely understand what you are saying, but like the others have said – your girls will NOT be definied by this horrible disease. Both Carynne and Sydney are beautiful, precious, sweet little girls who will always, always be remembered as your daughters…your beautiful daughters.
I am so sorry for all you have been through and continue to feel. It sucks…I know…I wish life didn't have to be so hard.
Hugs, my friend!
You don't have explain yourself, you grieve and express yourself in a way that works for you. What you and Jake are going through is the worst possible thing that a parent could go through, doubled. Just so you know I don't think at all that the disease defined the girlies. The disease didn't give them their beautiful blue eyes and even with their tubes their eyes would be the first thing I noticed when I looked a them. It didn't give them their wonderful, sweet personalities. The disease isn't what made my heart melt when I would FINALLY get Carynne to laugh for me. And it isn't what made me love them like family. You and Jake making two wonderfully beautiful girls and how we all instantly loved them is what defines the girls for me.
I love you and I wish there was more that I could do for you. No one can give you the two people that would take all of your pain away, so just know I'm here for anything.
Brooke, I am always so moved by your blog. You use this as a place to sort out your feelings, pay tribute to your girls, and continue their legacy by sharing them with us in the stories you tell and the pictures you post. Please know that we all love the girlies for who they are and not what they look like. They are gorgeous angels and I think of them every.single.day. I can't even fathom to think how hard this is for you and it brings tears to my eyes to try to process the emotions you must feel daily. But I do know that you don't owe anyone an explanation on anything–we are just grateful that you are willing to share your journey and your beautiful angels with us. Because of the girlies, I think of my own boys differently–time with them is never promised. Your angels taught me that. And I am and will be forever appreciative of that lesson. You are a wonderful mom who loves her babies…so keep whatever clothes you want, share the photos you want to share, and know that there are many people who support your every move.
Hugs,
Melissa (shady06 from Multiple Mamas)
Sorry–that was posted and my friend was signed into her google. Didn't want you to think it was someone sketchy!
Brook, it never ceases to amaze me the courage and strength you show by expressing yourself and letting everyone in on even the smallest details of you & Jake's time with the girlies.
I hope there will will be a day when all your pain and heartbreak will finally turn into joy, love and laughter.
We ALL love you, Jake, and the girlies.
Chad
I hope you post whatever you want whenever you want. Your girls are beautiful and always will be. They are daughters, sisters, inspirations – and not defined by this disease. As always, I am really awed by your strength.
I'm not sure how I found your blog, and I don't know if you even check these comment sections, but I want you to know that my heart breaks for you. Those little girls are so beautiful and I am honored to have read their story. I will keep you in my prayers.