Dear Girlies,
Yesterday I was having a dream about you. You were both laying in your crib and I had just come home and gone into your room to pick you up. I was just starting to pick you up when I semi-woke up. I was laying there trying to get myself to go back to sleep…I had to go back to sleep so that I could pick you up and hold you; there was this huge sense of urgency. I was telling myself ‘You have got to get back to sleep now!’…but I couldn’t. It was like I went into a panic because I couldn’t fall back asleep. I was so mad at myself; I had just missed a chance to hold you one more time. For the rest of the day I felt this huge burden of regret because I didn’t get to hold you, if even in a dream.
Today, it seems silly that I was mad at myself over a dream. I have no control over dreams so why do I let them upset me so much? I know that I have to focus on our good memories to keep myself out of those very dark places.
The other day daddy took his shirt off and his arm pits reminded me of you. Yes, it is goofy, but that’s ok because I had such a good memory of when we used to give you both baths. I would wash your ‘arm pitties’ and make stinky faces; teasing you that you had stinky pitties. I’m not sure if you thought I was hilarious or if you were embarrassed by your un-cool mom, but I’m sticking with the hilarious school of thought.
I hold these memories so close to me. I’m so thankful that you gave me such amazing times to reflect on. Your daddy and I love you both so very much.
Love,
Mommy
Oh Brook, just keep doing what your doing, one day at a time. Treasure the sweet memories, write them down, every.iittle.thing.
You’ll hold your girls again in a dream. I just know it.
Brooke, you are both stronger than you will ever know. Those little girls were so lucky to have such wonderful and truly loving parents. My heart goes out to you and your family, and even though I don’t even know you, I think of you often. May you gain even more strength every day.