Love

My Dearest Carynne & Sydney~
You’ve been on my mind a lot the last couple days, so I thought we should have a little chat. I wish that I could say my thoughts in the last little bit have been happy ones, but that wouldn’t be the truth…it’s so strange because I feel your presence with me everyday, but man, these last few days have brought me to my knees more times than I can count. The world moves so fast girls that I feel like there isn’t even enough time to grieve you the way I should…the way I’d like to. I find myself having conversations with Mommy that are similar to the ones we had before you both were here, and I look back later and feel really guilty. I don’t want things to go back to the way they were before. I want things to go back to when you both were here…healthy, beautiful, smiling baby girls…that’s what I want. That’s what we all want.
Girls, when I actually stop and let all my memories of you take me over, I can hardly breathe. The sadness that overtakes me is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I miss seeing you everyday when I would come by after leaving the gym. I miss walking in and you, Mommy, Daddy and I all “fake sleeping”. I miss laying down on your mat and hearing your stories. I feel so selfish…you weren’t even my babies, but I feel a part of my heart is missing. It’s like Aunti Jess said, we don’t have to be blood to be family…part of my family is missing now too.
I have to tell you girls, even though you already know, your Mommy and Daddy are the two most amazing people I will ever have the honor to know. Their strength through all this is nothing short of miraculous. They are my heroes…they are in my thoughts every second of everyday…
I know Mommy wrote a letter to you the other day, and in it she said that she would give her life to hold you both for five more minutes…Girls I just want you to know, that If I could, I would give that gift to her. I would trade my life, my family, my friends…anything…to bring you back to her. It wouldn’t even be a question. I wouldn’t think twice. It would just be.
It kills me that I can’t take their pain away girls, and for that I’m so sorry. I told you both, in those last days, that I would take care of them for you, and I feel like I’ve let you down. I just don’t know the right words…I don’t think there are any. Please don’t be disappointed girls…I promise that I’ll do better to help them through.
I miss you so much Carynne. I miss you so much Sydney. I’m sorry this letter is so sad. I promise next time it will be better. Get some sleep girlies…I expect to see you tomorrow in every flower, every ray of sun and I expect to feel you in every breeze that blows across my face. You are loved and missed more than words can express!!!
Hugs & Kisses
Aunti Sonya