I don’t even know where to begin with this post…it makes me so angry I can’t even think straight. Somebody who posted to the comments section of my blog quite frequently turned out to be a fraud. She claimed to have lossed a daughter earlier this year and sympathized with the pain Jake and I are going through. I don’t have the time or energy to research every commenter, besides, I ‘know’ most everybody who visits this blog, but apparently the entire story was a fake.
Why would anybody want to go through this sort of pain? I just don’t understand why! There are so many things I wish I could do over; so many things I wish I hadn’t seen; so many things I would have preferred to have lived my whole life without knowing. The next few points might be graphic so don’t read if you don’t want to.
- I wish I had more warning when Carynne’s heart stopped beating. I thought there was something wrong with her monitor so I started fiddling with her toe sensor. I woke Jake up and by the time he came in, I realized it wasn’t her monitor, it was her. I told him I couldn’t see her chest rising with her breaths. He didn’t believe me and then he noticed it too. He started giving her CPR when I called 911. Even though they pronounced her dead at the ER, we both believe she died here on the playmat with her sister. Her stomach emptied onto Jake’s mouth when he was giving her CPR. The smell of her formula on his skin the rest of the day made him upset.
- I wish I had been with her when she died. I knew something was different during this trip to the ER because they wouldn’t let me ride in the ambulance with her, they made me ride in the police car. By the time the policeman got me to the ER, the doctors were waiting to tell me that she had passed away. I fell to the ground. It didn’t seem real. Sydney had been sick and honestly we expected her to go first. Carynne gave us absolutely no warning. But, that was her style…very quiet and calm.
- I wish Jake had been with me in the ER. Because an infant died at home, they required Jake to stay at the house and make a statement for the homicide detective. After I called 911, I called Sonya and screamed something into the phone about coming over. She and John came to the house in record time, but I was already gone to the ER. She dropped John off with Jake and came straight to the ER. She told them she was my sister so that she could get back to see me. When she came in, she saw Carynne lying there with me crying over her. I wish that Sonya didn’t have to see that…I wish that she didn’t have to remember that image because it is such a painful one for me and I don’t want it to be for her.
- I wish that we hadn’t pushed Sydney as hard as we did. When we first got diagnosed in January one of the first things we did was write up and sign DNR forms for both of the girls. This meant that we didn’t want to have machines do artificial breathing for them. Well, we essentially did the breathing for them the last two weeks. I think that the deterioration of the disease happened so quickly though that we didn’t realize what we were doing. When we were diagnosed on Jan. 23rd, the girls were put on oxygen only during naps and bedtime. Once we got the oximeters, we realized that they were not getting adequate oxygen during the day as well. At that point, we put them on .5 liters full-time, then 1, then 2, and so on. By Feb. 23rd, the day that Sydney died, she was only able to maintain between 85 and 90 percent oxygen at 6 liters. From what we’ve been told, 6 liters is too high for a baby to be on…it is like being on CPAP, which is what we didn’t want (hence the DNR). There were times that she would ‘crash’ and we would turn her oxygen way up…once all the way to 12. I feel so guilty for that now because I don’t know if that was hurting her.
- I wish that I didn’t question whether or not Sydney had any brain damage. Because she was hovering in the 80s so much the last few days I think she might have had some brain damage. One of the nurses did a neurological exam at the very end and she was completely unresponsive. This makes me so very sad. It was at this point that we decided to pull her oxygen. She laid on a pillow on my lap and I just held her. Jake held her hands and we talked to her and told her it was ok to stop fighting and that her sister needed. Sonya turned off all of the phones and locked the front door. The whole house was quiet except for the sound of my sobs. She took her last breaths in my arms and I just sat there and held her and kissed her head. Sonya called Sean and he came over. I wish he hadn’t seen her laying there in my arms because I think it really disturbed him. About an hour after she died, the funeral home people came to pick her up. Apparently, because we hadn’t called 911 and because she was a hospice patient, they didn’t need to do a police report. The two men came into the house and Jake and I carried her out in the cold to the back of their vehicle. They had another body in the back in a body bag. I was so upset that she would be riding to some warehouse with a stranger. I just felt so empty and alone for her. I asked the men to make sure that she was put by her sister so that they could be together.
- I wish that I didn’t have to explain our decisions to people. No, we are not burying our children, we are having them cremated. Jake and I have always said that we wanted to be cremated rather than buried so it was a pretty easy decision to do the same for the girls. The most convincing reason why we wanted to have them cremated is because we don’t know if we’ll continue to live in this house, let alone this city or state, and we wanted to make sure that we’re always with them. Megan suggested that I get a locket where I can put some of their ashes and then get it soddered (sp?) shut. My parents got me one for my birthday and I am going to have their initials engraved on the front before I send it to get it soddered. That might sound morbid to some people, but I can’t even begin to explain how hard it is to be away from them. I think it is some sort of motherly instinct to always be near your children and protecting them and it has been so hard for me to just be away from them physically. After the funeral on Saturday, I just stood over them because I couldn’t leave.
So, I guess the whole reason for this post is to try to show how real this pain is. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy and for somebody to be so attention-hungry to make up such a story is beyond words to me. One of the most positive things I have learned during the last few months is how good people are. A few bad apples won’t tarnish my opinion that people truly are good and I hope it doesn’t yours either. The outpouring of love and support we have seen is amazing and I can’t even begin to say thank you to everybody who is thinking of us, praying for us, doing our dishes, fielding our phone calls (you know who you are Jess and Sonya) and working so hard to wipe this devastating disease off the map.
I think of you and especially Sydney and Carynne everyday. I am sorry you had to experience someone so awful during this time…you only need positive and encouraging words.
Shamrock2003 from TheBump
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I have no words, what an awful thing for someone to do. I think about your girls and family often.
Brook, You were and are a great mom. You should not have to explain your decisions to anyone. I don’t even pretend to understand your pain but try not question yourself. You made the best choices you could for your girls.
Jennifer (JennNC)
That was a truly horrible thing for that person to do. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through but please know that I pray for you every night. I believe your little angels are watching over you and that they will give you the strength you’ll need.
I can’t even imagine your pain or devestation. You know I’ve always thought you’ve made the best decisions for those girls. If I were to ever be put in that kind of situation, I would turn to you for guidance. Everytime I get down about our non-stop fight for Jaxon’s health with all the tubes and pain, I think of you…and all the words you’ve given me over the months. You are a warrior mom and you are loved.
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this on top of everything else. Please know that all the decisions you made were the best ones, because you loved your girls so much.
Brook
We are all still thinking of you and your family. Your pain is so real, and I too can’t begin to imagine why someone would fake it.
Every night as I’m putting my baby to sleep we say our prayers and every night I include you, your husband and your two angel babies in those prayers. We will continue to think and pray for you and all the families that are stricken by this terrible disease.
I learned of your story from Modern Bliss…a mother’s board. It’s amazing the strength you have!! I just can’t imagine what you go through…and everytime I read your posts I just cry! You’re such an amazing person!! I’m soooo sorry for everything you’ve gone through! I agree…why would anyone want this! That woman was definitely sick to have made up all that about her daughter! I just want you to know that I think of you often and pray every day that you find peace SOME HOW! I can’t imagine how hard that would be! I’ll be praying!! (HRDR810)
I’m so sorry for everything. That’s all I know to say.
I don’t know what to say. Except thank you for sharing your feelings and letting us know your girls. Know that each of us reading carries just a tiny bit of your pain each day. I cannot imagine. And you did everything absolutely perfectly, and I can only hope to be half the mother, for the rest of my life, that you were for just a few short months. Please don’t waste a second’s thought on the imposters, for each one of those, there are hundreds of us here reading and praying. Even if you never know or hear from us.
I am so sorry that some sicko has caused you more pain in this time. I read about her fraud too and while some felt bad for her, I was so angry because she spread her lies to you.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that even though it doesn’t amount to a hill of beans, my husband and I would have made the same decisions you and Jake did and we are a nurse and a doctor. I think you and Jake are the only ones who need to worry about making the right decisions. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. I second-guess everything, so I can understand how you are doing that also, but I believe in my heart you did the right thing. Those girls were so loved and they knew it.
I think about your family every day and pray often throughout the day for some peace for you.
Heather.D nestie
Brook,
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that–you certainly don’t need more to think about right now. I just want you to know that my son and I pray for your family and especially your angels in heaven every night. You are an inspirational mother, someone who loves her girls and is a model of strength during tough times. You made the same choices most of us moms would have made at the time using the information you had available to you so please don’t second guess your decisions. I think the locket idea is great–I have one with my mom’s ashes and I actually even wear it on special occassions. No one knows it’s special contents but me. I guess that might sound wierd to some, but to me it’s a way to keep someone I love very much close to my heart. Keep hanging in there and know that lots of people are thinking of you…
Melissa
(shady06 from the nest multiples)
Brook, I found out about your story on the Nest and have been following it through Amy & your blog. I'm very sorry that you have to deal with dishonest people during this terrible time. There are more people than you can even imagine that are thinking of & praying for you & your family everyday. I think the locket idea is beautiful and absolutely perfect.
Jenna (Dixon) Hamlett (rxjenna from the Nest)
I’m new to your story, learned about it from the Nest. My heart is aching for you. You don’t have to and shouldn’t have to explain your decisions. I cannot believe that the sicko from the Nest is making you question your decisions. I also think its a very nice tribute to your children to always have them with you in your locket. Tons of hugs and prayers are coming your way.
Brooke, I’m so sorry that people can be that horrible. I want you to know that we keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayer everyday. (ancjph nest multiples)
Brooke–
I heard about that woman and you by no means do not need to explain yourself to anyone. You and Jake made the best decisions for your daughters and that’s all that matters. You are such a strong person and I admire you for being so honest. I will continue to pray for you and your precious angels.
Christi (Boilergirl79)
Oh Brook, I am so sorry some idiot did that. I wish you didn’t have to hurt so bad. You are such a great mommy. You did everything you could for those girls to make them more comfortable. Second guessing yourself is normal. I will be praying that you can find some peace soon. Lots of love, blueladybug
Brooke-
You don’t know me but I know of your story through the ladies on the Nest multiples board. I am so sorry for your loss. You are an amazing mother. And I am so sorry that there are sick people in the world… Please know that I think of you and your sweet little girls everyday… Big (((HUGS))) to you and your family…
I can’t even imagine the pain you must feel. I think of you, your dh, and your girls every day.
I am so sorry you had to deal with some seriously sick person. You are right there are good people out there, and don’t let a few bad ones ruin that.
tons of hugs, thoughts and prayers to your family.
Brook,
I am so sorry that there are people out there that feel the need to find attention in someoneelses pain. I know that you are a wonderful mother, and you should know that you did what was right for your girls. You and your family are still in my prayers everyday.
Becky (baby.please)bump
just point me in that bitches direction and her ass is grass…
and don’t you ever worry about anything i had to see.
i wouldn’t have had it anyother way…i love those girls and it was my honor to be there with them.
I stumbled upon you’re blog recently. You dont know me, but I want to express my sympathy. You have two of the most amazingly beautiful daughters in Heaven! My heart aches for you. I am praying for you and you’re husband that the pain fades soon so you can focus on their memory. Please feel free to read my blog and contact me if there is anything I can do to help! Thinking of you~Sadie in Minnesota
http://sadiewitt.blogspot.com
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Hugs, honey. You don’t know me, but I am from The Bump. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this hurt. Try not to regret any of the time you spent with your girls. I am sure that they loved you, and knew that you were doing what was the very best for them. You don’t need to explain any of your thoughts or feelings to the rest of us. We are here to support you however we can. Big hugs!
Ugh, I am so sorry. I have just cried for you ever since I heard about your girls on the Nest. I give Jackson extra hugs everyday now I think. It just breaks my heart you had to go through this and to be honest every word you said with turning up the oxygen , any of it, all of it we would have done to stay with our babies. I hope you can get to the point where you know you didn’t hurt them, anyone can see you are a wonderful mother. I hate you feel you have to explain your self. I don’t know how anyone wouldn’t want to have their babies with them. I think it would be the only option for us also. And as far as the person who faked having a child die. Well that is just cruel and sick. Big Hugs. I know it must be odd to hear strangers say they are praying for you, but we do. You and your husband.
I have been through the pain of abuse in my life and I cannot fathom what you are going through, Please know our thoughts are with you
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine why someone would feel the need to cause you any more pain because of their own selfish (sick) reasons. You are an amazing person and a wonderful mom. I think the locket is a beautiful idea. I continue keep your family and your little girls in my thoughts.
Lisa (Denvergrl)
My sympathies and prayers are with you. Your beautiful girls are beautiful angels now. As a mom, I cannot fathom how you manage to go on…
Brook and family
I can’t begin to express my sadness for you and your family…my heart breaks for you and this intense pain you are going through. The horrible thing to FAKE a childs death is simply unimaginable…I cant understand for the life of me WHY someone would do that. I know your girls were REAL in more ways then one…they were REAL inspirations to us and a REAL blessing in your life! (((HUGS)))
Lindsi (SNL0605)
i think the locket idea is GREAT~it’s not a morbid thought. i can not understand one’s ability to think that to be quite honest~~~i think it actually will help you feel a little closeness with your 2 beautiful girls.
that even makes me sick about someone coming on here w/ a untrue story. i am so sorry that you have had to deal with all of this. this is horrible and i will be continuing to pray for you my sweet friend.
I saw that today on the nest – I had seen her post on the Success After a Loss board and felt so awful for her. Why anyone would make something like that up is beyond sickening and brings me to tears. I am so terribly sorry that she posted to your blog seeking your sympathy and trying to connect with a pain that no one should ever have to endure. I can’t even fathom what would possess a person to make something like that up – for the sympathy? I’d much rather have my babies back and have never received any sympathy from the internet, and I’m sure you can say the same. You and your sweet girls are in my thoughts, and their lives and your pain are so real to all of us.
Hi Brook–
I’m so sorry you had to go through that on top of everything else. How awful!
On another note, I wanted to tell you that I think your locket idea is beautiful.
I am so sorry that someone like that posted on your blog. I am also so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girls. I lost my daughter in September and I can’t even think of someone doing that to me. God bless you and your family.
Brook-
I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. Your beautiful girls have been in my prayers since I read about them on the bump. As a mother, I can’t fathom the pain and grief you are going through. I will keep you in my prayers – to pray for strength and healing and that your angels will watch over you.
I think the locket idea is a beautiful way to keep your girls close to you. (((HUGS)))
Brook,
I am so sorry for the extra pain you have been caused during all of this.
I think you made all the right decisions regarding your girls last days. I think your locket keepsake is a beautiful treasure to keep your girls with you always. I keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.
Jess (Jessarella)
My heart aches for you. I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish I had words of comfort to give you. It seems like you have a wonderful husband and friends that support you and are mouring with you. I wish there was a way I could help even if we are strangers to each other.
Brook,
I am so very sorry! The last thing you need right now is more pain. You are a wonderful mother who did what she thought was best for her daughters. You and Jake had very hard decisions to make, ones that no parent should have to make, and you made the right ones. You did everything you could. Please don’t question your decisions. I hope someday you will find peace. I love the locket idea. I would do the same thing. They will always be close to your heart this way. I wish there was something that I could do to help. I know you probably hear that all of the time. You have so many people thinking and praying for you and your family. You and your family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers everyday. Take care.
Brook I am so sorry there are some really crazy people out there. You and your husband are in my thougths and prayers and I think the locket is a nice idea.
Hi Brook
You don’t know me…I heard about your story through a fellow Twin Mommy from the Nest…
I have been thinking about you and your Family so much..I am absolutely devastated…I can’t believe someone would fake something so serious…All I have to say is KARMA….unbelievable!!!!
Please don’t second guess anything you did, everything you did was out of Love and caring..those Girls are so lucky to have you as a Mom…they are 2 of the most gorgeous Angels…You absolutely don’t have to explain or justify any decisions you and your husband have made, People just need to keep their comments to themselves!!!
I too have Twin girls and my heart aches so much for your loss. One of my girls was born with several defects and had to have surgery at 2 days old..I absolutely did not have the strength and courage that you have had!!!
You are an extraordinary Mother and have strength that I have never seen..I will be praying for you and your family every day and pray that God gives you the strength to somehow get through this devastating time
Mandy…..(Ottawa, Canada)
xxxxx
I’m so sorry. We are about a month and a half out from making the same decision for our son. I still question myself, but I think we did the right thing. I hope you can find some peace soon.
I think about your girls and you and your husband all the time. You are always in my prayers. I am so sorry that someone would make up such a story, it is truly unbelievable. I know exactly what that necklace is that you are talking about. My cousin has one with her son’s ashes in it, it is in the shape of a teddy bear. My aunt also has one with her daughther’s ashes in it, hers is an angel. They both got them from this place http://www.richardlamb.com I think that is a very special thing to do, to keep your girls close to your heart always. I’m so sorry for all of the pain you are going through. I know there is nothing that can change it or take it away. But please know I’m praying for all of you.
~Stephanie (Alpacabunny)
Dear Brook,
You do not know me, but I am a friend of Jess in your group. She mentioned your story on her blog, which is how I heard about you and your family.
You and your husband are amazingly strong and courageous and wonderful parents who have sacrificed so much to take care of your little daughters.
My heart is breaking for you. Just know that many of us are praying for you and your family, whether you know us or not.
Wishing you comfort and peace,
Tami
Please don’t even waste a moment of your life thinking about that horrible person. Don’t give her any validation for what she has done.
No one but you knows the pain and anguish you are going through. How brave of you to write what you have here.
My heart is breaking for you, and I hope you can soon move on without any regrets for the decisions you made. You were the best thing that ever happened to those two sweet little girls. God bless you and your family.
–“yellowcar” from success after loss board on the Bump
I can’t even imaging the pain you are feeling. I have twins myself and just couldn’t imagine the pain you are feeling. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My heart is truly broken for you and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers. What sweet little girls.
You don’t know me, but I have been following your story on the Bump board. I wish I knew you IRL so I could hug you. I honestly believe that God specifically chose YOU to have those babies because He knew you would give them the best possible home and love during their short stay here. Please don’t feel bad about any of the decisions you made for them. You followed your mommy instincts and you did a wonderful job. Those girls were very lucky to have you as their mommy.
♥
there are no words.
i don’t understand you pain…i am a mother of 4 girls and it breaks my heart to read that for one single second you would question yourself…i’ve been reading around here. you are a precious mother, a strong wife, a diligent fighter and loving woman. those precious peas had the best momma in the world…and you were hand picked for them. god doesn’t make those mistakes…so please know that i am praying for you and your family in this difficult time. i am in awe of your honesty…and pray for peace and strength through these very hard times. claiming hebrews 11:1…and standing on faith.
I pray that you and your family find peace and comfort. Our hearts and prayers go out to you, your husband, and your two beautiful angels.
Brook, I became aware of your story through the Nest and have been peeking in on your blog here and there the past few weeks. I just wanted to let you know that your story, your writing, and your strength in such a terrible time have been truly inspirational to me. I will even try to say I understand what you’re going through, but feel blessed that you are brave enough to share your love, pain, and beautiful girls with the world.
I just wanted you to know that 3000 miles away in the state of Washington is an entire family that is thinking about yours and wishing you peace as you navigate what must be a true roller coaster. Your daughters are beautiful little girls!
My heart goes out to you. I really don’t know what to say, but I will pray for you.
I am so sorry to hear about this person who was a fraud. I can’t imagine why someone would do something so foolish.
I think your locket idea is a beautiful idea. 🙂
Your beautiful daughters were so lucky to have you for a mommy. I sincerely wish you the best during this trying time.
(loree from MOMs) You and your family have touched our hearts and we are thinking about you every day. I can’t even imagine your pain. I hope time lessens the pain… your girls were beautiful.
OH MY! This is my first time to come across your blog and I am saddened by what you just went through as a mother. My prayers are with you.
Iam so sorry for your lose i just found your blog…My heart goes out to you and your husband